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First week of 2010: stressed out, frustrated, disappointed and exhausting, the main reason being involved in a lot of activities, namely NRIC, Rukun Negara. And this is the first time that I register a full 20 units. Fluctuating emotion, confused mind make it even harder and worst. Mcm nak mati pun ada...

First time being a project manager (pengarah projek) for RN (and my first time being a project manager for an event as well); no wonder why I am so stressed out. I need support, which is hard to get, my secretariat is busy with classes and labs and they don’t even know what kind of situation I’m in. I know that some of them are not happy with my work and performance, I don’t care. With so many demands to make this event a successful one, they keep on push, push, and push. What I need is words like “Ko boleh buat ed” or “Xpa, biar sy tlg”. Even those words can comfort these fires burning like hell in this heart of mine. I don’t know if they are supporting me or keep pushing while at the same time they don’t care about me, I don’t know. But what I do know, it sounds like they don’t care. I know I am the PM, but at the same time I need support as well. They are part of this secretariat but with lack of commitment, I feel like I’m dying.

I know deep in my heart, I am good at work, reliable, always try to manage his time properly, but they are certain things that I’m not good at. I don’t know how to be friendly with people and that’s the main obstacle in my life. Sometimes I do socialize, but most of the time I’m not, partly because people don’t always socialize with me. Maybe it’s written in my face that “This boy is not good”; I don’t know. I’m not good at pushing people to do their work. And I’m trying to, but I don’t have the will to do it. Sometimes I am effective, sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I am full of confidence, and sometimes I just lay low this head of mine. And that spells what, a normal person? I don’t think so.

But I do know how to make people laugh. Sometimes I make fun of myself and people laugh at it. Hmmmm...guess I’m going to be a clown someday. But the reality is I don’t like people making fun of me. Nobody likes to be laugh at, except when you’re making a fool of yourself. Hahahaha. And nobody likes to be left alone. When I saw my friends having fun with their friends, a deep feeling rose in my heart; a terrible one and it spell jealous. When I saw people having fun with their friends, I wanted to have that kind of fun. I do have fun with my friends, but I wanted to keep on doing it every night. Goodness, what am I crapping about here?

What I meant to say is I wanted people to socialize with me more. And I don’t have anyone that I can call my best friend. They all are like friends to me, but just ordinary friends, “Hi and Bye” friends. I don’t have any friends that I can share my interests with. It seems like no one seems to fit with me and to be honest I don’t like it. I don’t know if I have a place in their heart like everyone does.

There I’ve said it, are you happy now???

Wait, wait, wait, there’s another thing. Back to the PM story, since this is the first time that I become a PM, I really DO need support. Please don’t be harsh with me, listen to what I said and consider every word that I’ve said, and please be patient with me. I am, I admit, a total loser and a total zero when I handle this big job, but I know that with their support, I can be as effective as they wanted me to be. Keep on pushing me, but do you really consider my life?

Hate me as you wanted to, but in Flory’s word, “I’ll live anyway”.

There I’ve said it, are you happy now???

P.S.: If you do happen to read this post, and you felt like you are the one that I’m talking about, it’s all in your head. In my words, you are imagining it.